


I Wish I Could Have Loved You

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Star Trek Narsarya B [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: AU, Angst, Bickering, Emotional suffering, Federation Ambassadors, Kolinar, M/M, Narsarya B, Narsarya B (Star Trek Series), Nasarya B "Land of the Lotus Flower", New Vulcan, One Shot, Pathos, Spones freeform, Star Trek Pathos, The United Federation of Planets, Unrequited Love, ambassadors, spones - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 19:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7653049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite his greatest efforts, Jim Kirk was unable to dissuade Spock and McCoy from leaving the Enterprise.  Spock returned to New Vulcan where he underwent Kolinar, and McCoy made a home for himself and the sometime resident Jim Kirk on Narsarya B, the planet whose exotic flowers had proven to be almost devastating to the three friends.  Spock and McCoy eventually became ambassadors to the United Federation of Planets where their relationship developed a new identity.  Or did it?  Can the past entirely be left behind?  Or is its influence still back there lurking, just one memory away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish I Could Have Loved You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [byobob](https://archiveofourown.org/users/byobob/gifts).



> What could have happened after The Friendship Card.
> 
> A One Shot AU to fill a request for byobob.

The doors of the United Federation of Planets assembly hall swung open, and ambassadors from across the universe came flooding out after a long day of negotiations. It was the closing of the current sessions, and the ambassadors were eager to return to their home planets.

One departing gentleman approached another in the hallway and smiled.

“Well, Ambassador Spock, we come to the end of another successful term. How good it was to see you at the meetings.”

Spock nodded solemnly. “Ambassador McCoy, likewise, I am sure.”

“I’m happy that we seemed to be able to initiate another round of cultural exchanges between New Vulcan and Narsarya B,” McCoy said as they walked down the hallway together.

“Yes, it will be mutually beneficial for our two cultures.” 

“It’s been a long session, though. I‘m eager to get home, back to the land of the mysterious lotus blossom.“ McCoy sighed deeply. “And it will be good to do that. I’m afraid that I’m beginning to feel my age, Mr. Spock.”

“Why, Doctor, you do not look a day over one hundred and ten,” he said with an almost mischievous grin.

“Now you’re teasing me, Spock. Maybe I don’t look my age, but there sure are times that I certainly feel it.”

“I know what you mean. It is a good life, though.”

“Is it, Spock?” He stopped and looked at his old friend. “Is everything really okay with you?”

“Surprisingly, yes. I do not have to wonder what going through the Kolinar ritual will be like anymore, because I have done it. And it is alright on this side. It is not as bad as I had imagined.”

“Few things are.”

“My, you are getting philosophical in your old age, Doctor,” Spock said with a small smile.

“I’m just getting bent by my old age.”

“You have had a good career, though, since you left the Enterprise.”

“You kept up on me?”

“As a matter of curiosity. I did that with all of my old crew mates on the Enterprise. Many of them have done quite well.”

McCoy smiled. “I know. Many of them check in with me from time to time.”

“Yes, I understand that you have run quite the boarding house on Narsarya B.”

“You’d always be welcome to visit us. You have a standing invitation.”

“Yes, I know, but--”

“But you’re not into human relationships. Yes, I know. Jim Kirk is there a lot, though, and I know you liked him once.“

“He has been my T’hy’la.“

“I know,” McCoy agreed and felt sad because Spock did not need even his T‘hy‘la anymore. “Anyway, my place is the only home Jim has, although he isn’t there too often. Generally, he’s been at Star Fleet Academy, first teaching, then being director. He runs around the universe a lot, too, still thinking that he’s the Casanova of the Cosmos. And proving it. But he also stays with me, too, once in awhile. Just to rest up.” McCoy smiled. “He’s been doing that a lot more lately. I told him it was time he should just let his accomplishments speak for themselves.”

“Yes, Jim has done well, but so have you. You chronicled the culture and the philosophy of Narsarya B, as you once said you would. Your learned treatises made you famous and respected on your adopted home planet. And then you became an ambassador to the United Federation of Planets to represent Narsarya B, a position which you have held for many solar years. It is a stellar achievement.“

“Thank you.“

“But may I say that one thing about it has always puzzled me.” 

“What is that, Mr. Spock?”

“The fact that you gave up your position at the leading university on Narsarya B just to become the planet’s ambassador. It wasn’t a logical move. You had achieved a tenured and comfortable position at the university. You were highly respected in your field. Why should you change careers again when you could have remained at the university until retirement?”

McCoy shrugged. “I just wanted to try something different. After all, I’d given up medicine for the academic world. I decided to try my diplomatic skills.”

“That was the second thing that amazed me. Your service in diplomacy. When I knew you, you were always a little erratic and high-strung to be a doctor, let alone be a diplomat. I thought it was a poor career move.”

McCoy glared at him. “Oh, you did, did you?”

“Yes, I did. I thought maybe you had become an ambassador just to be around me again.”

“Don’t be egotistical!“ McCoy couldn’t quite meet Spock’s eyes. The alien had hit on the truth, but McCoy did not want him to know that. “Whatever gave you an idea like that?!” Spock still had the ability to jerk him around. He just wished the alien couldn’t do it so easily.

“It was logical,” Spock explained, all the while realizing that McCoy was being too defensive. And why. It almost pleased Spock. And that was a paradox. He wasn't supposed to be able to feel pleasure, or any emotion. “When I knew you on the Enterprise, you could be like a box of marbles that fell on the floor. You flew every direction at once with no logic behind your actions. Becoming a diplomat was something that someone like you would have done simply out of sentimentality. You were always what I have heard called the 'touchy, feely sort', all the while being abrasive and acerbic." Spock shook his head in disgust. "Very illogical behavior, indeed. ”

“Then you do remember! You remember how I acted!”

“It would be difficult to forget,“ Spock said with an exaggerated sigh. “There are some things that even Kolinar could not eradicate. It took my emotions, but, sadly, not my memory of yours.”

“I guess you’ll just have to live with some bad memories,” McCoy grumbled. He disliked showing any negativity, especially since they were both trying to be on their best behavior under the guise of diplomacy.

“For whatever reason you chose to become ambassador, though, it has proven to be a worthwhile decision.”

“Oh?” McCoy said with pleased interest.

“You have represented your government well and have done a good job.” He gave McCoy a look of respect. 

McCoy preened. He knew he shouldn't let it mean so much to him, but he basked in the praise.

“I mean that sincerely,“ Spock continued. “May I say that it has been highly interesting dealing with you all of these years at these meetings? You finely tuned your skills for negotiation and have proven to be a worthy opponent.”

“Careful there. It almost sounds as if you were heaping praise on me.”

“I just had my emotions dealt with when I underwent Kolinar, Doctor, not my judgment. That does not mean that I lost my ability to appreciate a performance that has been most outstanding.”

“Why, Mr. Spock, if I didn’t know any better I’d say that you were envious.”

“Impossible. Envy is an emotion.”

McCoy gave him a flirty smile. “My point, exactly.”

Spock countered with a wise smile. “That was a very good try, Doctor, but I will not be outwitted by you that easily.”

“Of course not. I never could. But I enjoyed trying. I think I‘ll miss that the most.“ He took a deep breath. “You see, I’m retiring as ambassador after I get back to Narsarya B this time. You won’t be seeing me anymore, Mr. Spock. What do you have to say about that?”

Spock frowned for a moment in thought, then raised his hand and gave McCoy a Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper, Doctor.”

McCoy blinked. “That’s it?”

“What do you wish me to say?”

“That you will miss seeing me at these Federation meetings, for starters.”

Spock shrugged. “I will miss our debates, I suppose. But someone will replace you, someone of equal or greater skills. Someone always does.”

“Make me feel special,” McCoy muttered. “No, me, Spock! I meant me! Will you miss ME?!”

Spock shrugged again. “Not particularly.”

“Would you object if I choose to miss you, Mr. Spock?”

“It is immaterial to me what you choose to miss, Dr. McCoy.”

“Still won’t say it, will you? Well, I will miss you, Spock. I never said it clearly enough before you underwent Kolinar, I guess, and I’ve always regretted that error. Even though Jim said it wouldn’t have made any difference what we said or did at that time. But I’ve missed the adventures we had together on the Enterprise, and the fun. I’ve even missed the arguments we had. Excuse me. The philosophical debates.”

“But you will have your memories of our interrelationship at the Federation meetings, too.”

“Yes. I’ll miss the sparring with you at them. I’ll even miss the times I had to hunt up a handful of tranquilizers and a dark, quiet room just to recover from an encounter with you. The good times with the bad, right? I'll miss it all, Spock. All of those warm, companionable discussions will warm my heart for years to come.”

“Yes, you Earthlings do get sentimental, I know.”

Apparently, Spock never did understand the use of sarcasm, either. Chalk that one up with his puzzlement with idioms.

Or was that damned alien just trying to sidetrack him? Spock always was an enigma. It had taken almost a lifetime of association with him, and McCoy still didn’t have him figured out. McCoy still had the feeling that Spock was trying to keep him unbalanced.

“You won’t mislead me that easily, Spock, about my sentimentality. It isn't just me. I know that you once felt more for me, even if it was just from your human side. You have been my greatest disappointment in my life, Mr. Spock,“ he said, knowing it would get a stir out of the Vulcan. Spock had never lost his curiosity.

“Me?” Spock asked with the appropriately raised eyebrow.

“I wish I could have loved you, Spock." He paused to let that soak in. "But you never would have allowed it, would you?”

“I could not have stopped you from doing that, Doctor.”

McCoy's sleepy smile was bittersweet and clearly ironic. “You didn’t.” He looked wistful. “I wish you would have returned my feelings, though. Just acknowledging them would've helped. And I only hope it was because you couldn’t, not because you just wouldn’t. Whichever it was, it still hurt. It made me feel inadequate.”

“Do not think of me too harshly, please.“

McCoy wanted to feel hard toward Spock. He'd exposed his heart and still it made no difference. “Tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t,“ he grumbled. 

“I wish I could have loved you, too.”

McCoy looked startled. Even after all of these years, Spock still had the ability to surprise him.

“It has been my experience that people who love another seem to enjoy a lot of contentment and fulfillment from it. Perhaps I have cheated myself from not allowing myself to love. I am sorry that I could not provide what was required of me.”

McCoy studied him gravely. “Don’t sell yourself short. In your own way, perhaps you did. It wasn’t what I would have liked from you, but it was the only way you had. We had something special between us, and I can tell you now that I will always treasure it. I just wish that you could.”

Spock smiled, almost in relief. Perhaps he really did regret being unable to return love. “You erratic Earthling! Still romantic, I see?” he chided McCoy and sounded like the Spock from the old days.

McCoy‘s eyes twinkled. “You emotionless Vulcan! Still in denial, I see?”

The two old men smiled at each other with understanding.

“You learned to compensate, Doctor. And you survived.”

McCoy‘s smile was bittersweet. “I suppose you’re right.” He looked around. “Well, this is where we part. I would shake your hand, but I know you like that about as much as I always enjoyed being beamed in and out of the Enterprise. It wasn’t natural to have human molecules disassembled from one place and reassembled at another. I certainly complained enough about it, and you almost lost your patience listening to me.”

Spock looked startled as if he remembered something, maybe a memory of anger that still threatened to bubble to the surface. And then he quickly hid it.

Yeah, hide that memory fast, you pointy-eared bastard, McCoy thought. My sweet ass, you don’t remember. Or feel. Okay, I'll play along. Just as I always have. I still don't like it, but I do know my role. Whatever it takes, just so I get a scrap from you every now and then. I'm not proud. I must not be.

“Well, I must be on my way, Doctor," Spock echoed McCoy's words and made McCoy wonder if Spock could read his mind without performing a meld. McCoy wouldn't put it past the damned Vulcan to use even telepathic powers to monitor him. Why couldn't they be equals? Why did Spock always feel that he needed to have the upper hand?

"Doctor?" Spock asked with worry in his voice.

McCoy drew himself back. "Hmm? What? Oh, sorry. I guess my mind drifted there for a moment."

"You need to be careful about that sort of thing, Doctor. My medical record indicates that I myself once suffered from that condition after exploring Narsarya B. I understand that you saw me safely through the condition and instigated a cure using your healing hands. Most astute of you."

"Thank you," McCoy said almost bashfully as he tried to act modest.

"The hands are the seat of much power, you know, and not just physically."

"As well as the emotions, for some." McCoy gave Spock a knowing look. "I understand."

Spock almost returned the knowing look, but he did allow his eyes to twinkle ever so slightly. "Ah, Doctor. You have known me well." Then he added, after a moment, "Apparently."

McCoy stirred and took a deep breath. "Any time you want to discuss that, you know, just to jog your memory, just holler. I'll be happy to discuss anything you want to hear about."

"Now, why would I want do something like that, Doctor?" As McCoy thrashed around, looking for an answer, Spock continued. "Alas, I regret that I will be much too busy with my diplomatic service in the future to have time for idle pastimes. Some of us will not be having the opportunity to let our past records speak for ourselves. Some of us will need to continue to labor for the benefit of all."

McCoy smirked. "Of course." Damned green bastard! I felt that jerk. Don't try to make me feel guilty that I'm retiring. I've served Narsarya B well. I didn't let you get all the gravy for New Vulcan, did I? My people benefited, too. So what if I quit? Not that it makes any difference to you, anyway, what I do after today.

McCoy frowned.

Or does it?

This time McCoy felt his face change into doubt. Could Spock have feelings for him? Damn it! Why did he have to show everything?! Remind me not to play poker. I'll lose my shirt. And my pants.

This time, Spock did return not only a knowing look, but one of satisfaction. You pointy-eared bastard! That's conceit! And that's an emotion, last time I checked! You're loving it that I can still be strung out by my feelings for you, aren't you? Self satisfaction is an emotion, too, you idiot. Are you REALLY sure that Kolinar is working?! Better ask for your money back!

"Let me say that it has been an experience serving with you, Dr. McCoy.”

McCoy sighed, very quietly to himself. That sounded very much like a final goodbye. All kidding aside, this was going to hurt. But don't let the Vulcan see your sorrow or your pain. “That it has been, Mr. Spock," McCoy replied with an easy smile creasing his face. What an actor he was becoming! Too bad this would be his last, and greatest, performance with this, the most important audience of his lifetime. "And if you ever change your mind about visiting Jim and me, the door will always be open. Just for old time sake, of course. Not because we're old friends, or anything sentimental like that.” He scrunched his face into a distasteful look and shook his head with mocking disdain.

“I will consider it, Doctor.” 

Another look passed between them, almost warm in its feeling, but not quite. Then Spock turned with a soft smile on his face and walked away. Just as easily as that! The bastard had been smiling, even!

But McCoy knew he couldn’t smile in return. Not yet. He knew his eyes had to be tragic. He’d tried to put on a brave front, but these damned Earthling eyes probably gave him away at the last moment. And the damned Vulcan had probably seen the sparkle of tears and had known only too well just what he was still doing to him. What is your hold, McCoy pondered, but knew the answer only too well himself.

Oh, you pointy-eared bastard! If only. 

But McCoy had his memories. And there had been that moment when he'd told Spock of his retirement that Spock had frowned and paused to think about McCoy's coming absence. That would be a memory that would become more precious to McCoy as time passed, he was sure. Another small crumb. He had what he had, and it was enough. It had to be.

Who else could say he’d ever had a Vulcan to love, if only in his heart?

Then McCoy felt a sad smile cross his face. Pathos always comes through to save the day.

I’ll see you on the Other Side in whatever is waiting for us there, Spock, McCoy thought. Let’s see what you can do about me then.

McCoy snorted with disdain. The damn Vulcan would probably still be in control!

He took one long, last look at Spock’s departing figure. Goodbye, my green blooded Vulcan. MY. Green blooded Vulcan. I loved you. There! Try to deny me that!

Of course, there was no answer.

McCoy turned with the smile that was beginning to hurt his lips and walked in the other direction without looking back. It was finished.

For now.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything of Star Trek, including story lines and/or characters.


End file.
